What Are Feelings?

Today I'm going to talk about feelings. Therapists are known to really enjoy talking about feelings. A lot of therapists are known to look at their clients and say, so how does that make you feel? And for some people, that's their only move. I have more moves than that.

Feelings for me are the place I want to zoom in on. When I'm doing therapy, a lot of movement up here toward cognitive therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, DBT — not a huge fan of that. I don't think attacking people's thoughts are the way to go. I'd rather go a little deeper into the feeling level.

The first four feelings

The first four emotions are anger, sad, happy, scared. Mad, sad, glad, and scared. Show me a baby and I can show you a mad baby, a happy baby, a sad baby, and a scared baby. I could show you a baby in Africa and you could recognize their feelings. I could show you a baby in Europe and we could all recognize that baby's feelings. I could show you a puppy or a kitten and we could put some of those same feelings to how a newborn kitten or puppy is behaving. Those four primary feelings we're born with.

Alone and connected

The next two feelings that emerge are aloneness and connection. When a baby's born, you hold the baby in your arms, the baby looks at you, you look at the baby, and the baby has no idea where he or she begins and mom or dad ends. Babies think the whole world is them. Then one day they're in their crib and they're hungry and they cry and nobody comes. They cry louder and nobody comes. Baby looks around and says, oh, I get it — I'm all alone. The baby doesn't like that. Alone becomes a feeling they become aware of. And then connected also becomes a feeling they're aware of.

Shame versus guilt

The last two primary feelings to emerge are shame and guilt, and for me this was huge. No baby is born feeling shame or guilt. Never in the history of Northside Hospital has a baby sat there in a crib looking at the baby next to them saying, oh my god, listen to that kid cry. I'm not a good crier. I need to be a better crier. Babies begin to feel shame and guilt when a grownup looks at them and says, you ought to be ashamed of yourself — you drew on the walls, you missed the potty, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. That's a gift given to us by others.

Yesterday, hypothetically, I was at Office Depot. I saw this pen, I liked this pen, I stole this pen. I walked out without paying for it. I feel guilty about that. I broke a rule, I did something wrong, I stole this pen. Shame is: yesterday I was at Office Depot, I saw this pen, I liked this pen, I stole this pen — and shame says, there's something wrong with me. I'm no good.

Guilt is I broke a rule. Shame is I'm broken.

Shame is a much deeper feeling. Brené Brown writes about shame for hundreds of pages. Shame corrodes your soul. Shame takes away all your goodness, all the essence inside of you that enjoys a good life. A little bit of shame? Too much shame will tear away at your life. It'll prevent you from feeling happy and healthy. A tiny bit of shame is okay — it stops me from walking around Kroger naked. Too much shame prevents happiness.