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More FAQs — Parenting, Relationships & Life
More straight answers (and a few jokes) on marriage, kids, screens, and getting unstuck.
- I hate my job… Can I continue to work at this company and be happy?
- Probably not.
- Why not?
- Most people eventually discover that misery has a carrying cost. You can change the job, change your attitude, or change both. But pretending your work life doesn’t affect your happiness rarely works.
- I am in a lousy relationship… Can I stay in this relationship and be happy?
- Probably not.
- Why not?
- Your primary relationship affects almost every corner of your life. Most people can tolerate disconnection for a while. Few people thrive in it.
- What does “falling in love” and “being in love” have in common?
- Nothing.
- Huh?
- These are two totally different processes. Falling in love is effortless. Staying in love takes effort. That’s why you don’t marry someone on the third date. Or get matching tattoos on your first vacation.
- What is the best gift I can give my child?
- A good marriage.
- What is the sound of one hand clapping?
- …
- I am successful. Why am I still unhappy?
- Because success solves different problems than most people think it does. Money can buy comfort. Achievement can buy status. Neither guarantees a close marriage, a meaningful life, or peace of mind. I spend a lot of time helping successful people build the parts of life their careers couldn’t build for them. That’s some of my favorite work.
- My child is turning sixteen soon… should I get Chase a new car?
- No. Give Chase something to look forward to. Please. And make him or her work a little bit and financially contribute to the purchase of this first, used, safe car. Kids that help pay for cars take more pride in the car’s appearance, take better care of the car, and drive more safely.
- They really drive more safely?
- No, I just made that part up. They do take better care of the car when they make a significant financial contribution. Please, don’t just hand your kid a new car.
- My eight-year-old son is having trouble at school. I have two other children, and they all play soccer, basketball, baseball, and tennis. There are also tutors and piano lessons. I would have difficulty finding a time for us all to meet, and besides, my spouse works all the time. Can I just bring one son to you, run a few errands, and pick him up after your session?
- No.
- Why not?
- Family therapy is vital to resolving any school problem. If a therapist wants to treat an eight-year-old without working with the family, I would have a bunch of questions. And you should stop overscheduling your family. Slow down. Kids need downtime. Adults need downtime. Teens need downtime.
- My twelve-year-old plays video games every chance he gets. If we let him, he will play for over ten hours a day on the weekends. What should we do?
- Don’t let him play ten hours a day. Parenting is not complicated nearly as often as it is difficult.
- My two-year-old is not eating, and, when she eats, she eats only sweets or canned ravioli. What should we do?
- Provide a healthy assortment of food, and don’t make a battle out of it. A child can go for three minutes without air, three days without water, and three weeks without food. A parent’s job is to provide a healthy assortment of food, not to get the child to eat a healthy assortment of food.
- What are the two mistakes most parents make today?
- Both come from the same root problem. One: most parents are reluctant to be in charge of their own families. They want a democracy instead of a kingdom, unwilling to accept that there’s a clear hierarchy in the house. Two: kids don’t do chores. Specifically, they’re never trained to do chores without being asked or reminded. And I don’t mean putting away their own laundry, they should do that regardless. I mean a task that benefits the whole household. A three- or four-year-old can sweep the floor or set the table. As they get older, the chores get bigger and harder. Do this right, and a kid will actually look forward to taking over the chores an older sibling used to do.1
- Timeouts don’t seem to work with my six-year-old. What should I do?
- Timeouts work 99% of the time when done right. The room should have zero distractions, and the timeout should be lengthened until it’s boring enough that your child starts trying to avoid earning one. Basically, you want to bore them to tears. I’m working on a video on doing timeouts correctly. It’ll be in my real store, not the fake one.
- When I punish my child, he gets really, really unhappy. What am I doing wrong?
- Nothing. Consequences are supposed to be unpleasant. That’s how consequences work. Your child’s disappointment is not evidence that you’re doing something wrong.
- What are your specialties?
- I am a general practitioner. I work with young children, adolescents, and adults of all ages, diapers to diapers. I care more about helping people change than assigning diagnoses. That said, here are my “unique” specialty niches: 1. Whole families, two or three generations at a time. 2. Addicts and alcoholics, both adults and teenagers. 3. Pregnancy and postpartum mood disorders, and individual and family therapy for maternal mental health concerns. 4. Super successful men and women who are not super happy, and whose families aren’t, either. 5. Little kids, ages 3 to 10. I don’t do “play therapy.” I’ll see them alone for brief intervals, but I treat young children only with the whole family involved. 6. Teens. Sad ones, angry ones, rebellious ones, screen-addicted ones, lonely ones.
- What do you mean by therapy for “the whole family?”
- At least the mom, dad, and the children.
- What if they are divorced?
- Especially if they are divorced.
- What if one parent refuses to participate?
- I would be proud to say that a seventh specialty of mine is getting uninvolved members more involved in the lives of the “patient.” No matter the age of this identified “patient.”
- Given your specialties, is it true that most of your clientele is composed of adult individual clients?
- Yes. Most people seeking therapy are individual adults, so that naturally makes up the largest part of my practice.
- You seem to talk about kids a lot on this website. Are you sure you’re good at helping adults?
- Absolutely. I work with children, teens, families, and adults. While the issues may look different on the surface, the process of helping people make meaningful, lasting changes is remarkably similar. After more than 40 years as a psychologist, helping people change and get “unstuck” is what I do.
- Are you worried about AI taking your job away?
- I think AI can be a “below-average” therapist today. In a couple of years, it may become an “average” therapist. But AI will not become a “great” therapist in the next decade or two.
- Who is your favorite character in Shrinking?
- I am done with you.
- How do I reach you?
- Call me at 404-237-4300. You will get a callback that day.
1You’ve probably seen the claim that a famous 80-year Harvard study proves chores predict adult success. It doesn’t exist. What actually happened: a former Stanford dean said this in a TED Talk, people liked it, and the internet has been laundering it as “Harvard research” ever since, somewhat ironic given the topic. The real study is out of the University of Minnesota, it’s less quotable, and nobody’s made a viral graphic out of it. But it says the same thing: kids who start doing chores young turn out better. You don’t need Harvard’s name on it. You need your kid to sweep (or mop) the floor.
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Dr. Gore has a YouTube channel. It's called The Cynical Psychologist.
Short videos on marriage, parenting, addiction, and why people stay stuck. No fluff. Watch a few — you'll recognize somebody you know.