This is a tale of forgiveness, a beautiful one. Forgiveness is something you do for yourself, and this woman is walking the walk….
In my office, I have sat with people who have been wronged in ways that would make most grudges look trivial. And I will tell you what took me years to fully understand: forgiveness is not something you do for the person who hurt you. It is something you do for yourself. Resentment is a full-time job. It wakes you up at 3 a.m. It wins arguments in the shower. It rearranges your face whenever that person’s name comes up. And while all of that is happening, the person who hurt you is probably not thinking about you at all. Forgiveness is not about saying what happened was OK. It is about deciding you are done letting it run your life. The woman in the story below understood this better than most of my clients do after years of therapy. She did not forgive because the young man who shot her deserved it. She forgave because she did.
Note
To read the story that inspired this reflection, search for "When Victims Forgive" by Nicholas Kristof in the New York Times (2014). Search 'Kristof Ian Manuel Debbie Baigrie NY Times' to find it. The story is about Ian Manuel, who was 13 when he shot Debbie Baigrie during a gang initiation in 1990, and the remarkable relationship that followed over the next two decades.