If your adult child won't talk to you, try to repair the relationship before anyone settles on no contact. It seems more adult children are not talking to their parents today than at any other time. Apparently, it's also a pretty popular move for therapists to recommend.
Is no contact ever the right choice?
Yes, sometimes. There are times when it's appropriate to discontinue contact with a parent. But only after failure upon failure of trying to have a healthy relationship.
First, people try to fix things themselves. Then they ask friends or relatives for their opinions and suggestions. If that doesn't work, a therapist gets called in. (As I write this, I have the image of those firefighters who jump out of helicopters into the middle of forest fires, for some strange reason.)
The key is identifying the families who move toward a no-contact plan prematurely.
No contact also affects the grandchildren and how they feel about their grandparents. Their needs and feelings should be part of any decision about ending contact.
If there is abuse, or someone isn't safe, that's a different conversation. Protecting yourself comes first.
Why won't my adult child talk to me?
I get calls from parents saying, “I don't understand why my kids are not talking to me.”
To which I say: I have a feeling they told you. You just weren't able to hear it.
That's where the work starts.
Can therapy help if my adult child won't talk to me?
Coming to me as a last-ditch effort, a Hail Mary, is an appropriate move. Getting everybody in the same room may be a challenge, and sometimes the same room means Zoom. If we can do it, and get some movement toward healthy communication, perhaps the relationship can be salvaged.
What will the first session look like?
It may ONLY consist of sitting in the same room and listening. I can be a firm “traffic cop” and interrupt the interruptions. I also provide translation services, so one generation can hear the other.
Getting to “agreement” right away may be premature, although it does happen. The first goal is to understand each person's reality, their view of the problem. Who is hurting, and why are they hurting?
What if an expert therapist can't get everyone to agree?
Then it may be best for everyone to go to their separate corners for a period of cooling off. An agreed-upon break, with an end date in mind. Three months? Six months? Longer? What matters is that everyone agrees to it, respects the rules put in place, and comes back to try to get to a better place.
Families are important. They are worth trying to reconnect. When that agreed-upon period of no contact is over, make the attempt.
Working with me in Sandy Springs and Atlanta
I'm a licensed psychologist and Clinical Fellow of the AAMFT with a family therapy practice in Sandy Springs, serving the Atlanta area. I've been working with families, teens, and their parents since 1985.
If your adult child has stopped talking to you, call me. I return every call, usually the same day.
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